Hi there.
Just thought I'd drop you a quick line about something that happened at work the other day.
It was during an Amnesty International showing of the new documentary 'Burma VJ' about the horrific crimes of the Burmese government as documented by Burmese Video Journalists. A very elderly man with two walking sticks came to see it and due to his disability I sat him in seats that weren't the ones he was allocated which were closer to the door. When the person who had been allocated these seats came in, I explained that he would have to sit somewhere else and directed him to the same seats a few rows back. He was livid: "why can't I sit in the seats I booked?" He demanded to know. "Because I had to give them to a person with a disability," I replied simply. I could see the quarrel raging within him. He was angry but knew he couldn't reasonably complain. "Why didn't he have the usual disabled seats?" He asked. "Because they were already taken and he didn't let us know he had a disability when he booked his tickets on the phone." Eventually the guy gave in to the torment within with a grumpy "Well, whatever," and settled down to watch a cutting-edge film about the injust political imprisonment of Burmese human-rights activists.
Twat.
Friday, 17 July 2009
Monday, 13 July 2009
The other day we found a huge German sausage in Bruno. We’ve found strange things in the auditoriums before: condoms, used tampons, but this has to be the most apt yet.
Once we found a bag of sexy underwear and chocolate body sauce in the bar. The woman who left it never came back for it, I hope her possibly failing sex-life didn’t suffer any further as a consequence.
Two customer quotes from yesterday:
Customer: Hello, I can still get in to Public Enemies, right? I mean, there’s always half an hour of SHIT before the film, right?
Staff: Well, that’s one way to put it.
Customer: Well, I should know, I come here A LOT.
Customer: Two bottles of water, please.
Staff: Three pounds, please.
Customer: That’s rape!
I’m thinking of giving you a brief description of our strangest regulars in my next blog. In the mean time I thought I’d add three names to my list of regulars that I forgot to add to the extensive list I posted a couple of weeks ago. How could I forget Mr Nipple-Pocket, Torpedo Lady and Eco Geoff?
Once we found a bag of sexy underwear and chocolate body sauce in the bar. The woman who left it never came back for it, I hope her possibly failing sex-life didn’t suffer any further as a consequence.
Two customer quotes from yesterday:
Customer: Hello, I can still get in to Public Enemies, right? I mean, there’s always half an hour of SHIT before the film, right?
Staff: Well, that’s one way to put it.
Customer: Well, I should know, I come here A LOT.
Customer: Two bottles of water, please.
Staff: Three pounds, please.
Customer: That’s rape!
I’m thinking of giving you a brief description of our strangest regulars in my next blog. In the mean time I thought I’d add three names to my list of regulars that I forgot to add to the extensive list I posted a couple of weeks ago. How could I forget Mr Nipple-Pocket, Torpedo Lady and Eco Geoff?
Sunday, 5 July 2009
Hot and bothered.
This is a post which requires minimum effort on my part as I’m feeling lazy…
Behind the bar at the cinema we keep an A4 pad in which we write any funny or absurd things that people come out with, we call it the ‘staff quote book’. Generally it tends to be things the staff have said because we’re a damn sight funnier than most of the customers, but there are one or two customer quotes nestled in there. I’ve copied a few out for you to enjoy below. Read on...
“Some people like heroin or crack cocaine. Me? I like milk.”
Customer: Chips with cheese? I don’t understand: what is that?
Staff: It’s chips, with cheese.
Customer: Ah, right.
“So…sausages: when you say meat or veg, what do you mean?”
Staff: I’m sorry, we’re all out of sweet popcorn.
Customer: (shouting) OH FUCK!
Customer: Since when has it been a Parent and Baby screening? We’re members and we don’t know about this!
Staff: Sorry. It’s on all the listings, and the website.
Customers (together): well we don’t have a website!!
Customer: 4 tickets for the comedy club please.
Staff: £32 please.
Customer: For fuck’s sake.
“It’s so hot in screen 2 that I can’t breathe and I might die!”
Staff: Would you like a small or a large?
Customer: What’s the difference?
“Could I please have two BLTs but no lettuce or tomato on one of them.”
“Another latte please, and this time can it not be beige?”
“I don’t know anything, I just come.” – Customer after being asked what film she’d like to see.
“Is it soup?” – Customer examining her bowl of soup.
“Black coffee with milk, please.”
Staff: Are you waiting?
Customer: Am I what?
“One of the kids coming to the party has Asperger’s syndrome so she might say things out loud like ‘how much does that cost?’”
“It’s not fruit, it’s a vegetable: FACT!” – Ali G-influenced customer on tomato juice.
So, there you go. Hope you found those amusing so that you still think this is a witty blog and I don’t have to exert too much brain power. On a final note, did you notice how clever and funny it was of me to say I was ‘lazy’ in this post after my last post was about how ‘lazy’ everyone is? Pretty sharp huh? And as a final aside about laziness I’ve a new peeve to add to my list which seems to have developed in the summer heat (apparently this is some kind of phenomenon that I have to be told about by everyone I serve: one woman told me not only that it was hot but reassured me that we weren’t used to it, a fact that she later reminded me of when I bumped into her in the ladies.) Apparently it’s too much effort for people to speak properly while it’s hot: it’s become evident that if they make zombie-like moans and sweat at me, I’ll understand that they want a Cornetto and an advance ticket to Harry Potter 6. Bastards.
Behind the bar at the cinema we keep an A4 pad in which we write any funny or absurd things that people come out with, we call it the ‘staff quote book’. Generally it tends to be things the staff have said because we’re a damn sight funnier than most of the customers, but there are one or two customer quotes nestled in there. I’ve copied a few out for you to enjoy below. Read on...
“Some people like heroin or crack cocaine. Me? I like milk.”
Customer: Chips with cheese? I don’t understand: what is that?
Staff: It’s chips, with cheese.
Customer: Ah, right.
“So…sausages: when you say meat or veg, what do you mean?”
Staff: I’m sorry, we’re all out of sweet popcorn.
Customer: (shouting) OH FUCK!
Customer: Since when has it been a Parent and Baby screening? We’re members and we don’t know about this!
Staff: Sorry. It’s on all the listings, and the website.
Customers (together): well we don’t have a website!!
Customer: 4 tickets for the comedy club please.
Staff: £32 please.
Customer: For fuck’s sake.
“It’s so hot in screen 2 that I can’t breathe and I might die!”
Staff: Would you like a small or a large?
Customer: What’s the difference?
“Could I please have two BLTs but no lettuce or tomato on one of them.”
“Another latte please, and this time can it not be beige?”
“I don’t know anything, I just come.” – Customer after being asked what film she’d like to see.
“Is it soup?” – Customer examining her bowl of soup.
“Black coffee with milk, please.”
Staff: Are you waiting?
Customer: Am I what?
“One of the kids coming to the party has Asperger’s syndrome so she might say things out loud like ‘how much does that cost?’”
“It’s not fruit, it’s a vegetable: FACT!” – Ali G-influenced customer on tomato juice.
So, there you go. Hope you found those amusing so that you still think this is a witty blog and I don’t have to exert too much brain power. On a final note, did you notice how clever and funny it was of me to say I was ‘lazy’ in this post after my last post was about how ‘lazy’ everyone is? Pretty sharp huh? And as a final aside about laziness I’ve a new peeve to add to my list which seems to have developed in the summer heat (apparently this is some kind of phenomenon that I have to be told about by everyone I serve: one woman told me not only that it was hot but reassured me that we weren’t used to it, a fact that she later reminded me of when I bumped into her in the ladies.) Apparently it’s too much effort for people to speak properly while it’s hot: it’s become evident that if they make zombie-like moans and sweat at me, I’ll understand that they want a Cornetto and an advance ticket to Harry Potter 6. Bastards.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Laziness: the bane of customer service and possible downfall of all humankind.
Hi folks. Before I start on what will probably an unnecessarily lengthy, impassioned yet eloquently written rant about the repulsive laziness of humankind (in which I begrudgingly include myself,) I’d like to get two pleasantries out of my way. Firstly I’ve just walked home from work (11 hour shift, Sunday, serving popcorn and tickets to ingrates) and it is a really beautiful night and I just wanted to share it with you. It’s one of those evenings when it hits dusk and the setting sun casts golden light on all and sunder (a phrase too little used.) It almost feels like the Earth is exhaling: a sweet, warm scent hanging heavily in the air, bats and their prey flittering around newly lit street lamps, the flowers hitting their utmost point of bloom before the last light fails and sending thick, sweet smells into the atmosphere, and everyone has gone home leaving you feeling like the world is yours. Sorry to get romantic on your asses but I felt all overcome.
Secondly, and this is the real thorn in my side, I served my second least favourite customer today (we call her Fake American Lady,) and found I no longer hate her. She didn’t do anything redeeming to warrant such a revelation but I just looked at her and thought ‘I don’t hate you’, it sought of came to me and then suddenly it was alright serving her, I didn’t hate every second of it, I just felt sorry for the crazy old lady and I even flashed her one of my special, customer-only, pleasant-but-slightly-condescending smiles. The best bit, however, was that later on, when she was leaving the bar, she actually cleaned away her dirty pots and smiled at me before she left. I don’t know if it’s me or her or indeed the universe who’s turned the metaphorical leaf. Well, maybe all three are the same thing.
I decided to write this post because three things have specifically been pissing me off at work lately and when I look to the root of them all, laziness (and a little gluttony) seems to be the key.
The first thing that gets my goat, is that which refers to the gluttony. Popcorn is really expensive and overpriced at pretty much every cinema in the world, as are ‘fountain’ fizzy drinks or ‘postmix’ (so called because it mixes the syrup with the fizzy water after it comes out of the box and then comes out of the tap in a fattening ‘fountain’ [according to the deranged Americans].) With this in mind, people should not wish to pay for more than they need. We sell these things in three sizes: small, medium and large. The small ones are more than enough for anybody to eat and feel satisfied afterwards, the mediums are maybe suited to sharing between two or three (bearing in mind that popcorn is a snack,) and the large ones should really only be bought with the intention of being shared by a large group. Every time (well, 99.9% of the time) that anyone asks for popcorn I have to ask them which size they would like (I’ll come to that annoying fact later,) and the commonest response if ‘oh, just a medium.’ The emphasis is my own because the adverb ‘just’ in this context is intended to minimize the significance of the size and, therefore, should only (or ‘just’) be reserved for use when stating that the smallest quantity is required. Despite what people have been conditioned, in our gluttonous and plentiful society, to believe, the smallest size is not a medium (literally meaning ‘middle’ or ‘between’) and is in fact small (the clue is in the name.) Think About What You’re Fucking Doing You Fat Bastards.
As a side-note I’d just like to add that I’ve yet to pick up a completely emptied large-size popcorn or drink when cleaning the auditoria.
Right, now that’s off my chest, we come to point two. As I mentioned earlier people often come to the box office and say ‘popcorn please’ (the ‘please’ is added by the author to give the impression that human beings have retained the chivalrous, amiable nature towards which they once strode.) Once they have vaguely stated what they want I have to steer them towards a coherent demand with questions like ‘what size would you like?’ and ‘would you prefer sweet or salty?’ The reason that I have to do this approximately (literally) 300 times on a ten hour weekend shift is because people are actually too lazy to say words. This is my deduced conclusion.
The worst scenario is when people come up to the box office and state clearly and deliberately (the last two adverbs have been inserted by the author to give a false but positive impression that people speak properly) the name of a film, for instance: “Terminator.” It is often suggested that those who work in customer service lack intelligence (‘the ability to think and learn’- Encarta Dictionary) however, were it not for my powers of learnt deduction and informed thought processes I would be stumped to respond to this statement / possible question. Luckily I have learnt that a simple statement such as this can be translated into several possible sentences, a few of these being “Please may my partner and I have two adult tickets to the 8.30 performance of ‘Terminator: Salvation’?”; “Are you currently screening ‘Terminator: Salvation’ within this establishment?” and “I have come to collect my pre-booked tickets for this evening’s showing of ‘Terminator: Salvation’ here is my credit card.” (The latter translation can usually be assumed when a bank card is placed heavily within your hand at the same time as the name of the film is stated, but not always.)
The third gripe pertains to an issue of actual physical laziness. In the cinema in which I work (loath am I to continue to refer to it as ‘our / my cinema’,) there are two main sets of stairs, one which leads from the basement level where the toilets are to the ground level where the café and box office are and the other from the ground level to the first floor where the cinema screens are. The building was expertly renovated from an old print works. There is also a lift for anyone who feels unable to use the stairs. There is also a sign on the ground floor (a huge sign, I might add) with directions to the toilets, the café/bar and the screens. Because the following fact appears to come a as a shock to many of our customers I feel it necessary to impart it to you succinctly so that you may appreciate the root of anger in my rant: the able amongst us have the use of protruding lower limbs known as ‘legs’ which, with the use of two feet, enable us to effortlessly ascend and descend steps, this action is considered a compulsory part of moving around in the modern world and is the exact reason why steps and higher and lower levels of buildings were able to be invented. It is not unreasonable to suggest you walk in such a way for a distance of approximately 100 metres to a place where you can hygienically and discreetly empty your bowels and / or bladder such as you are required to do as a functioning human being. Also, when this supposedly absurd suggestion has been implied, if it does make you angry, please feel free to direct that anger at me as I did, in fact, architect the building personally.
I would like to conclude this embittered rant with a suggested image of humanity’s apocalypse. Imagine humankind inhabits a world in which they have completely devised a series of tools which makes life unrealistically easy for them. There is no need for them to hunt or gather food any further than sending electronic signals to another being who magically delivers a feast of ripened, fresh and pre-prepared meals to their door within several hours; there is no need for them to make or mend clothing to protect them from the elements which they don’t actually need any protection from due to the nature of their habitation which is carefully fitted with atmospheric controlling devices to reduce and increase temperature as and when is needed; there is no need for them to maintain a healthy diet or know how to medicate themselves when they are sick as another person has been trained to tell them how to look after themselves; there is no need for them to know how to find and gather drinkable water as they have a device in their home which gushes forth clean water at a single touch. The vast majority take all these tools (and millions more) for granted and have no idea how these tools work, let alone what to do in their absence. Imagine what happens if these fabricated tools are lost: how do we find food? How do we stay well? How do we stay warm? How do we find clean, safe water? The whole of humanity brought to its’ knees because it was too busy struggling to stay lazy. It’s an over-blown and ridiculous suggestion but it makes me feel smug as people scowl at me when I tell them the loos are in the basement.
If you’re gonna be lazy, at least appreciate how lucky you are to have the privilege.
Secondly, and this is the real thorn in my side, I served my second least favourite customer today (we call her Fake American Lady,) and found I no longer hate her. She didn’t do anything redeeming to warrant such a revelation but I just looked at her and thought ‘I don’t hate you’, it sought of came to me and then suddenly it was alright serving her, I didn’t hate every second of it, I just felt sorry for the crazy old lady and I even flashed her one of my special, customer-only, pleasant-but-slightly-condescending smiles. The best bit, however, was that later on, when she was leaving the bar, she actually cleaned away her dirty pots and smiled at me before she left. I don’t know if it’s me or her or indeed the universe who’s turned the metaphorical leaf. Well, maybe all three are the same thing.
I decided to write this post because three things have specifically been pissing me off at work lately and when I look to the root of them all, laziness (and a little gluttony) seems to be the key.
The first thing that gets my goat, is that which refers to the gluttony. Popcorn is really expensive and overpriced at pretty much every cinema in the world, as are ‘fountain’ fizzy drinks or ‘postmix’ (so called because it mixes the syrup with the fizzy water after it comes out of the box and then comes out of the tap in a fattening ‘fountain’ [according to the deranged Americans].) With this in mind, people should not wish to pay for more than they need. We sell these things in three sizes: small, medium and large. The small ones are more than enough for anybody to eat and feel satisfied afterwards, the mediums are maybe suited to sharing between two or three (bearing in mind that popcorn is a snack,) and the large ones should really only be bought with the intention of being shared by a large group. Every time (well, 99.9% of the time) that anyone asks for popcorn I have to ask them which size they would like (I’ll come to that annoying fact later,) and the commonest response if ‘oh, just a medium.’ The emphasis is my own because the adverb ‘just’ in this context is intended to minimize the significance of the size and, therefore, should only (or ‘just’) be reserved for use when stating that the smallest quantity is required. Despite what people have been conditioned, in our gluttonous and plentiful society, to believe, the smallest size is not a medium (literally meaning ‘middle’ or ‘between’) and is in fact small (the clue is in the name.) Think About What You’re Fucking Doing You Fat Bastards.
As a side-note I’d just like to add that I’ve yet to pick up a completely emptied large-size popcorn or drink when cleaning the auditoria.
Right, now that’s off my chest, we come to point two. As I mentioned earlier people often come to the box office and say ‘popcorn please’ (the ‘please’ is added by the author to give the impression that human beings have retained the chivalrous, amiable nature towards which they once strode.) Once they have vaguely stated what they want I have to steer them towards a coherent demand with questions like ‘what size would you like?’ and ‘would you prefer sweet or salty?’ The reason that I have to do this approximately (literally) 300 times on a ten hour weekend shift is because people are actually too lazy to say words. This is my deduced conclusion.
The worst scenario is when people come up to the box office and state clearly and deliberately (the last two adverbs have been inserted by the author to give a false but positive impression that people speak properly) the name of a film, for instance: “Terminator.” It is often suggested that those who work in customer service lack intelligence (‘the ability to think and learn’- Encarta Dictionary) however, were it not for my powers of learnt deduction and informed thought processes I would be stumped to respond to this statement / possible question. Luckily I have learnt that a simple statement such as this can be translated into several possible sentences, a few of these being “Please may my partner and I have two adult tickets to the 8.30 performance of ‘Terminator: Salvation’?”; “Are you currently screening ‘Terminator: Salvation’ within this establishment?” and “I have come to collect my pre-booked tickets for this evening’s showing of ‘Terminator: Salvation’ here is my credit card.” (The latter translation can usually be assumed when a bank card is placed heavily within your hand at the same time as the name of the film is stated, but not always.)
The third gripe pertains to an issue of actual physical laziness. In the cinema in which I work (loath am I to continue to refer to it as ‘our / my cinema’,) there are two main sets of stairs, one which leads from the basement level where the toilets are to the ground level where the café and box office are and the other from the ground level to the first floor where the cinema screens are. The building was expertly renovated from an old print works. There is also a lift for anyone who feels unable to use the stairs. There is also a sign on the ground floor (a huge sign, I might add) with directions to the toilets, the café/bar and the screens. Because the following fact appears to come a as a shock to many of our customers I feel it necessary to impart it to you succinctly so that you may appreciate the root of anger in my rant: the able amongst us have the use of protruding lower limbs known as ‘legs’ which, with the use of two feet, enable us to effortlessly ascend and descend steps, this action is considered a compulsory part of moving around in the modern world and is the exact reason why steps and higher and lower levels of buildings were able to be invented. It is not unreasonable to suggest you walk in such a way for a distance of approximately 100 metres to a place where you can hygienically and discreetly empty your bowels and / or bladder such as you are required to do as a functioning human being. Also, when this supposedly absurd suggestion has been implied, if it does make you angry, please feel free to direct that anger at me as I did, in fact, architect the building personally.
I would like to conclude this embittered rant with a suggested image of humanity’s apocalypse. Imagine humankind inhabits a world in which they have completely devised a series of tools which makes life unrealistically easy for them. There is no need for them to hunt or gather food any further than sending electronic signals to another being who magically delivers a feast of ripened, fresh and pre-prepared meals to their door within several hours; there is no need for them to make or mend clothing to protect them from the elements which they don’t actually need any protection from due to the nature of their habitation which is carefully fitted with atmospheric controlling devices to reduce and increase temperature as and when is needed; there is no need for them to maintain a healthy diet or know how to medicate themselves when they are sick as another person has been trained to tell them how to look after themselves; there is no need for them to know how to find and gather drinkable water as they have a device in their home which gushes forth clean water at a single touch. The vast majority take all these tools (and millions more) for granted and have no idea how these tools work, let alone what to do in their absence. Imagine what happens if these fabricated tools are lost: how do we find food? How do we stay well? How do we stay warm? How do we find clean, safe water? The whole of humanity brought to its’ knees because it was too busy struggling to stay lazy. It’s an over-blown and ridiculous suggestion but it makes me feel smug as people scowl at me when I tell them the loos are in the basement.
If you’re gonna be lazy, at least appreciate how lucky you are to have the privilege.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Monday, 1 June 2009
I haven’t been very angry in quite some time, I’m on a fantastic brand of anti-depressants which not only take away my creative urges but my frustration too, leaving me unashamedly calm and centred. Such is the great joke that is life.
I do want to communicate with you though, I want to make you laugh and think ‘ah, that Anna, she is funny,’ and smile in a warm hearted way and be extra nice to me next time you see me. Because I don’t have the capacity to make you feel that way, I thought I’d share with you the talents of my co-workers in the form of pseudonyms given by them to our regular customers and used on a daily basis in the angry rants retold to each other over a cup of tea behind the bar. We use them poker-faced, so used are we to hearing them and do not stop to consider their hilarity. Some are given to describe the customer, others as a reference to what they buy. I hope you enjoy them:
• Rat-Faced Bastard
• Big Fat Bitch (a.k.a Awful Fat Woman)
• The Whisperer
• Latte Man
• Pint of Diet Coke
• Aids Couple
• Mocha Man
• Delicious Soup Guy
• Pixie Man
• Gel Boy
• Hot Chocolate and a Large White Wine Couple
• Mr Denty Head
• Extra-Hot-Latte Business Women
• Minge Head
• The Shuffler
• Conspiracy Theorist (a.k.a Super Sleuth)
• Fake American Lady
• Cappuccino Lady (now affectionately known by her real name which I will not impart)
I’m sure there are others I’ve forgotten, forgive me this.
I do want to communicate with you though, I want to make you laugh and think ‘ah, that Anna, she is funny,’ and smile in a warm hearted way and be extra nice to me next time you see me. Because I don’t have the capacity to make you feel that way, I thought I’d share with you the talents of my co-workers in the form of pseudonyms given by them to our regular customers and used on a daily basis in the angry rants retold to each other over a cup of tea behind the bar. We use them poker-faced, so used are we to hearing them and do not stop to consider their hilarity. Some are given to describe the customer, others as a reference to what they buy. I hope you enjoy them:
• Rat-Faced Bastard
• Big Fat Bitch (a.k.a Awful Fat Woman)
• The Whisperer
• Latte Man
• Pint of Diet Coke
• Aids Couple
• Mocha Man
• Delicious Soup Guy
• Pixie Man
• Gel Boy
• Hot Chocolate and a Large White Wine Couple
• Mr Denty Head
• Extra-Hot-Latte Business Women
• Minge Head
• The Shuffler
• Conspiracy Theorist (a.k.a Super Sleuth)
• Fake American Lady
• Cappuccino Lady (now affectionately known by her real name which I will not impart)
I’m sure there are others I’ve forgotten, forgive me this.
Saturday, 9 May 2009
A little something for head office.
Management speak: a world of gimmicky importance
Of executing decisions, actioning targets and jocular rants,
Brainstorming incentives for the worker ants.
The marketing day is divided up nicely,
In a digestible way interjected with pricey
Biscuits and tea and a lunch that is free
And a pat on the back for your clever retort
Only someone as witty as you could have thought
Of a way to make menial jobs sound
Integral, exciting.
So, bring it to the table, decisively label
Each moment and task and company fable
At the end of the day please go home to rest
On your luxury bed in your luxury nest
And know that you very probably are
The most important man in the world, by far.
Of executing decisions, actioning targets and jocular rants,
Brainstorming incentives for the worker ants.
The marketing day is divided up nicely,
In a digestible way interjected with pricey
Biscuits and tea and a lunch that is free
And a pat on the back for your clever retort
Only someone as witty as you could have thought
Of a way to make menial jobs sound
Integral, exciting.
So, bring it to the table, decisively label
Each moment and task and company fable
At the end of the day please go home to rest
On your luxury bed in your luxury nest
And know that you very probably are
The most important man in the world, by far.
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